For a while now I’ve been lying to myself about a lot of things, deep down I knew this but I tried so hard to suppress it all and move on. I realise now that I can’t do that, a lot of people, a lot of very close people will tell me I’m strong and I can do this. But what does that really mean? They’re just words, I can’t just become strong and say I can do this, because I’m not sure what ‘it is’ they’re expecting me to do. When I was younger I saw things much differently, I didn’t understand why I got the feelings I did, and why I did the things I did, just that I was upset and I wanted it to leave my mind. Now, knowing how serious my actions were, it scares me, it makes me think about my past like I’ve never thought about it before and it’s difficult to suppress it. I cry a lot, I was actually just crying like 10 minutes ago because I felt confused and alone. I feel alone a lot, even when I’m around friends I feel alone, because I know they don’t understand and perhaps the friendship I’m giving them is a bit too much than they bargained for. Friends have a huge impact on how I feel, I mean with family I’m used to them and the things they do are permanently engraved into my mind so it’s easy to not be aware of them too much. But with friends it’s not as easy, little comments they make which they probably don’t take much notice of hurt like little sharp needle pricks on my skull, after a while I convince myself I don’t care but then I know I do and then all those little things build up and every time I see their faces it reminds me of every little comment they made that hurts. They say I hurt them but I don’t mean it and it makes me hurt so much, and I wonder if they realise the impact they have, the pain they unintentionally induce on me, if they did would they still do it? I’m taking a step back in life and I’m starting again, I’m concentrating on only three things from now on:
Nothing more and nothing else, people can wait as I move on and maybe one day I’ll become me again, the me I should have become if I never broke down so many times, the me who would have smiled so easily without second thoughts, who would’ve not thought so much about the way others treated her, the me I wish I could be.
I hope one day I find a friend, a true friend who makes me forget about the bad stuff and doesn’t add to it, who is there for me when I need them, who doesn’t see me as crazy. I am yet to meet that friend and perhaps I never will but at least I can hope.