HELP!

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Things haven’t been going so well recently, I’ve been in a dark place for so long now and it’s been getting worse. I don’t feel good at school anymore, I’m so scared to even go, everyday I feel like staying home locked in my room away from everyone and everything. I’ve been trying so hard to make friends at school, I really have. I’ve been nice and friendly, I’ve tried to sit with people at lunch and make conversation but I know they can only be polite to a certain extent before they start wanting me to leave, and it hurts. I feel so alone and isolated from everyone. I go to school, I try to focus in class, and during lunch I eat my lunch by myself and then read a book alone and that’s how it is everyday for me now. It’s strange how you can go from having really good friends to having none at all, but then I guess I never really had good friends after all they were just acquaintances or false friends. I cry when I get home, I get frustrated that I can’t seem to do anything about it and I’m trapped. I always feel empty and sad, when I laugh it’s fake, when I smile it’s forced, and people don’t understand. I know people out there have it a lot worse but I can’t seem to control how I feel anymore, no matter how much I try I can’t seem to be happy.
It got really bad on the weekend, I just collapsed and cried for ages, and I was scared, I hit really low. My mum being worried, told the school about all of this, I was initially worried about that but the teacher was supportive so I feel a bit more hopeful now. She listened to me, and said she understood and gave me some advice so that was very helpful.

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I also went to see a doctor yesterday, she listened to how I felt and said that I am most likely
depressed I may have moderate/severe depression. It kind of worries me, but I also feel a bit better knowing that I may have a mental illness, because I feel like I’m beginning to understand why I feel the way I do. I’m being referred to a counsellor, I hope I get someone nice, there may be a waiting list but both the school and doctor have sent an urgent message so hopefully I’ll get a placement soon. Also today, a friend of the family came over, he’s a very nice man and he listened to how I felt and told me to be brave and ignore everything horrible other people say because it’s all petty and insignificant. He said he would help me, and pray for me, I feel better to know someone cares. I should stay true to myself is the best thing to do he said. So that’s what I’ll do.

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Thoughts

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I hear them whisper,
When they don’t see.
The sounds get Lounder,
Until I breathe.
My lips go dry
And my eyes go blind.
Their steps come quicker
My fears grow thicker
I smile through it
My tears flow away
But when I come home
The prickling pain stays
And when I’m alone
All alone,
I search up ways
For a death will escape
But my fear gets louder
And then I stop
But I can’t stop now
Cos the pain just drops.
I see them by the post.
They cry and they shiver
When they barely even knew me
But Yet I watch and I see.

~m.p

School..

I went back to school this week after the Easter break and I started off pretty positive about it but gradually through the week my optimism kinda drifted. Ever since I lost whom I thought was my closest friend I’ve been feeling really alone at school now, during lesson time everything’s fine but at lunch I’m not sure where to go or who to talk to anymore. I have friends but I don’t have any close friends I can talk to and constantly hang out with every lunch time because I can tell they don’t really want me there, they’d rather be with their own group of friends. So, since being around friends is just making me feel more upset and lonely since I don’t have any real friends anymore atleast not in school, I think I’m just going to spend time alone during lunch now and maybe read a book in the library, or do some extra revision since my exams are looming.
I guess I’m just typing this all because I feel like I need to get it all out, and I’d really appreciate any advice you guys could give, I just want to be able to feel more optimistic about school, and have the strength to not worry about what other people think if I spend my lunch times alone.
Also if you have any good book recommendations for me I’d be so grateful, I haven’t read a book in a while and I think reading one during lunchtimes will help speed up time c:

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how lost I feel

I’m 16 c:

So yesterday I officially turned 16 XD

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It’s kinda strange how quickly I’m growing up, to think as if just yesterday I was a little kid running around without a care in the world and now suddenly I’m a young adult having to make these important decisions about my future, choosing my A levels, whether I want to do further education, or what kind of career I want in the future etc and it’s difficult because being a teenager, having to grow up, wanting to do half the things I’m too old to do now but then I’m too young for the other half of the things I want to do. It’s all abut self discovery I’m told. Trying to find out what kind of person I want to become, where I want to be in 10 years to come, what I want to be, but I’m not exactly sure who I am, I think more than anything I’m a person seeking answers and I’ve realised as I see more of the world I will be able to find them 🙂

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So my birthday was nice, I got something I’ve really been wanting for a while now, my own video camera!!!!! It’s one of the things on my bucket list, I’ve wanted my own camcorder for ages so I can record my experiences as I grow older 🙂 my family got me some extra goodies too XD
My friends from abroad (america and hong kong) also wished me a very happy birthday and my closest friends also, which was sweet c: I got a really cool cake too…

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The highlight of my birthday was seeing a film I’ve been wanting to see for ages now…

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It was such a lovely, sentimental, and meaningful film!
The story revolves around a couple who cannot have children, so one day they compile a list of things their child would have been able to do and they bury it in their garden. That night Timothy appears claiming the couple to be his parents and they strangely feel as though the young boy is meant for them. Timothy is not like other children, he has leaves covering his ankles which he cannot remove. However every time Timothy does something his parents imagined him to do, a leaf falls off….

This is a magical, heart warming story that I found to be deeply sentimental and would recommend each and every one of you to go see 🙂

Everyday people

I recently came across this passage a few days ago and I just thought how honest and real it was because in life people get teased and they get hurt but the people who are teasing them are probably hurting themselves. Because at the end of the day we’re all human and though we may try to hide it we’re all battling through some kind of ordeal and sometimes all it takes is some tolerance or a few kind words to help someone through it. That’s why I tolerate people who mock me or still smile at them when they’ve hurt me because I can see the tears they’re hiding and I don’t want to make it worse. I’m not saying I’m perfect but I’m trying

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so please think about this, and next time when someone hurts you, remember that they could have been crying just before, or they could’ve just experienced some sort of pain that’s tipped them over, I’m not saying that you should let them hurt you or do nothing if they constantly take out all their anger on you. I’m just saying that being a bit more mindful of other people’s problems can help you to understand why they’re acting in the way they are it may not even have anything to do with you. Like I once had this friend who constantly hurt me but I forgave her anyway without her having to apologise because I knew she had problems she was dealing with but then it got to the point where she hurt me so much that I needed space and then she didn’t like me anymore so our friendship ended. I wish she was a bit more mindful of my problems too, I have no regrets with forgiving her because I know people deserve to be forgiven. I just regret having accepted the many times she hurt me.