Things haven’t been going so well recently, I’ve been in a dark place for so long now and it’s been getting worse. I don’t feel good at school anymore, I’m so scared to even go, everyday I feel like staying home locked in my room away from everyone and everything. I’ve been trying so hard to make friends at school, I really have. I’ve been nice and friendly, I’ve tried to sit with people at lunch and make conversation but I know they can only be polite to a certain extent before they start wanting me to leave, and it hurts. I feel so alone and isolated from everyone. I go to school, I try to focus in class, and during lunch I eat my lunch by myself and then read a book alone and that’s how it is everyday for me now. It’s strange how you can go from having really good friends to having none at all, but then I guess I never really had good friends after all they were just acquaintances or false friends. I cry when I get home, I get frustrated that I can’t seem to do anything about it and I’m trapped. I always feel empty and sad, when I laugh it’s fake, when I smile it’s forced, and people don’t understand. I know people out there have it a lot worse but I can’t seem to control how I feel anymore, no matter how much I try I can’t seem to be happy.
It got really bad on the weekend, I just collapsed and cried for ages, and I was scared, I hit really low. My mum being worried, told the school about all of this, I was initially worried about that but the teacher was supportive so I feel a bit more hopeful now. She listened to me, and said she understood and gave me some advice so that was very helpful.
I also went to see a doctor yesterday, she listened to how I felt and said that I am most likely
depressed I may have moderate/severe depression. It kind of worries me, but I also feel a bit better knowing that I may have a mental illness, because I feel like I’m beginning to understand why I feel the way I do. I’m being referred to a counsellor, I hope I get someone nice, there may be a waiting list but both the school and doctor have sent an urgent message so hopefully I’ll get a placement soon. Also today, a friend of the family came over, he’s a very nice man and he listened to how I felt and told me to be brave and ignore everything horrible other people say because it’s all petty and insignificant. He said he would help me, and pray for me, I feel better to know someone cares. I should stay true to myself is the best thing to do he said. So that’s what I’ll do.