Summer Plans.

Sorry everyone for my inactivity, I’ve been so tied down with studying, and the boredom of not having anything remotely exciting to do thus blog about.
Things have been relatively mundane lately. I’m so excited for the end of my exams though, I have so much planned for the summer. I am determined to make this summer the best of summers…

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I’ve always thought about summer as being the time of year where I’m stuck in this limbo of boredom, succumbed in my thoughts, but I want it to be different this time, and I guess when you really want something, then you make sure it happens. Which I’ll try to do.

But I do love summer so much because, not just because there’s no school, no priorities, no work, and there’s more sense of freedom. I like that, very much but also because it makes me think of nostalgic things.

When I think of summer, I think of ice cream,

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I think of the sea, all blue, and calm,

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The idea of making fresh home made jam,

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Receiving letters in the morning, savouring every word,

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baking fresh cakes in the afternoon

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And reading books as I lie in my sheets,

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This will be my summer, the perfect summer, for me , to be happy and to see things, and to do things. Things that will make me smile, give me hope, and give me memories.

This summer I will:

~ complete my story, to every lovely word, and every little finish, and people will know about it
~ make a new friend
~ listen to music all day, everyday
~ make a scrapbook filled with memories
~ go on an adventure, and film the whole occurrence
~ take photos of anything and everything
~ write letters; send postcards
~ drink frappuccinos all the time
~ ignore anyone who’s not worth my time
~ change my hair, change my look
~ paint all the time, just make a mess
~ do something worthwhile, simply dream.

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HELP!

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Things haven’t been going so well recently, I’ve been in a dark place for so long now and it’s been getting worse. I don’t feel good at school anymore, I’m so scared to even go, everyday I feel like staying home locked in my room away from everyone and everything. I’ve been trying so hard to make friends at school, I really have. I’ve been nice and friendly, I’ve tried to sit with people at lunch and make conversation but I know they can only be polite to a certain extent before they start wanting me to leave, and it hurts. I feel so alone and isolated from everyone. I go to school, I try to focus in class, and during lunch I eat my lunch by myself and then read a book alone and that’s how it is everyday for me now. It’s strange how you can go from having really good friends to having none at all, but then I guess I never really had good friends after all they were just acquaintances or false friends. I cry when I get home, I get frustrated that I can’t seem to do anything about it and I’m trapped. I always feel empty and sad, when I laugh it’s fake, when I smile it’s forced, and people don’t understand. I know people out there have it a lot worse but I can’t seem to control how I feel anymore, no matter how much I try I can’t seem to be happy.
It got really bad on the weekend, I just collapsed and cried for ages, and I was scared, I hit really low. My mum being worried, told the school about all of this, I was initially worried about that but the teacher was supportive so I feel a bit more hopeful now. She listened to me, and said she understood and gave me some advice so that was very helpful.

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I also went to see a doctor yesterday, she listened to how I felt and said that I am most likely
depressed I may have moderate/severe depression. It kind of worries me, but I also feel a bit better knowing that I may have a mental illness, because I feel like I’m beginning to understand why I feel the way I do. I’m being referred to a counsellor, I hope I get someone nice, there may be a waiting list but both the school and doctor have sent an urgent message so hopefully I’ll get a placement soon. Also today, a friend of the family came over, he’s a very nice man and he listened to how I felt and told me to be brave and ignore everything horrible other people say because it’s all petty and insignificant. He said he would help me, and pray for me, I feel better to know someone cares. I should stay true to myself is the best thing to do he said. So that’s what I’ll do.

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Just life :)

For a while now I’ve been lying to myself about a lot of things, deep down I knew this but I tried so hard to suppress it all and move on. I realise now that I can’t do that, a lot of people, a lot of very close people will tell me I’m strong and I can do this. But what does that really mean? They’re just words, I can’t just become strong and say I can do this, because I’m not sure what ‘it is’ they’re expecting me to do. When I was younger I saw things much differently, I didn’t understand why I got the feelings I did, and why I did the things I did, just that I was upset and I wanted it to leave my mind. Now, knowing how serious my actions were, it scares me, it makes me think about my past like I’ve never thought about it before and it’s difficult to suppress it. I cry a lot, I was actually just crying like 10 minutes ago because I felt confused and alone. I feel alone a lot, even when I’m around friends I feel alone, because I know they don’t understand and perhaps the friendship I’m giving them is a bit too much than they bargained for. Friends have a huge impact on how I feel, I mean with family I’m used to them and the things they do are permanently engraved into my mind so it’s easy to not be aware of them too much. But with friends it’s not as easy, little comments they make which they probably don’t take much notice of hurt like little sharp needle pricks on my skull, after a while I convince myself I don’t care but then I know I do and then all those little things build up and every time I see their faces it reminds me of every little comment they made that hurts. They say I hurt them but I don’t mean it and it makes me hurt so much, and I wonder if they realise the impact they have, the pain they unintentionally induce on me, if they did would they still do it? I’m taking a step back in life and I’m starting again, I’m concentrating on only three things from now on:

1. God
2. Myself
3. Studying

Nothing more and nothing else, people can wait as I move on and maybe one day I’ll become me again, the me I should have become if I never broke down so many times, the me who would have smiled so easily without second thoughts, who would’ve not thought so much about the way others treated her, the me I wish I could be.
I hope one day I find a friend, a true friend who makes me forget about the bad stuff and doesn’t add to it, who is there for me when I need them, who doesn’t see me as crazy. I am yet to meet that friend and perhaps I never will but at least I can hope.

A list of sorts

Yesterday I was sitting in my study session in school consumed in deep thoughts. I was wondering what I could do to make my life more interesting, I want to experience change from my mundane schedule of life, and it’s difficult to do such things. However, I really want to make an effort to do something meaningful because I don’t know what could happen tomorrow or the next day so I think it’s important that I start accomplishing my hopes right now…
So I have compiled a list of sorts:

1. Smile everyday without a second thought
2. Continue to write my story
3. Paint a canvas
4. Widen my social circles
5. Take more photos of nature
6. Record my life through a camcorder (my 16th birthday present to be)
7. Accept my mistakes
8. Accept my friend’s mistakes
9. Don’t think too much
10. Reinvent myself by dying my hair and getting a haircut
11. Socialise more by arranging fun things to do with friends
12. Mix up my schedule
13. Get a wreck this journal
14. Write anonymous thank you letters
15. Learn an art
16. Say no
17. Appreciate the small things in life
18. Speak for those who have no voice, change someone’s life
19. Express myself through a beautiful mess
20. Be confident with who I am

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Dream

I randomly came across this picture, and it reminded me to continue writing my story even though at times it may seem pointless. Maybe one day, my dream of getting it published might just come true, I mean if so many people out there have accomplished their dreams then who says we can’t?
No one but ourselves.

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So Dream.