Tired,

Firstly, I’m really sorry I haven’t posted in sooooooooooo long,
I’ve been pretty lazy, tired, and busy, all at The same time, but mostly lazy.
So since it’s been about a month since my last post, I suppose I should update on what’s been happening in my life so far,
School’s definitely stepping up with the work, I’m slowly getting crushed under all the weight of homework, but it’s not so bad if I remember to get it all done, good thing I have a diary then since my memory sucks.
The main thing that’s changed in the last month is my sleeping cycle, I’ve been sleeping a lot less than I used to, sometimes less than 5 hours, and then the next morning I’m both tired and not, I’m tired physically but my mind’s wide awake at least I think so…
My psychiatrist has been keeping a record on my sleeping patterns, I don’t think it’s looking so good, first she said were going to make sure it’s nothing physical so I’m going to have to go in for a blood test, (good thing I’m not afraid of needles) and then if it’s a mental issue I think I’m going to be upgraded to therapy, I really don’t want meds, that was the initial option but I don’t want to be reliant on drugs, even if they’re the good kind.
My physiatrist says I should get back to reading books, I’ve lost a lot of interest in what I used to like so I took her advice and I started reading the book the outsiders that a friend recommended. It’s actually pretty amazing, the characters are so dynamic, and relatable, and I feel sympathetic towards them all. There are two characters which really stood out for me though, soda pop and Johnny, soda pop reminds me of how I am on the surface, happy, cheerful, eccentric, and then Johnny is similar to how I am on the inside, jumpy, high strung, nervous, emotional, sensitive etc. and also completely reliant on people.

I never actually realised before, I’ve always thought of myself as being independent up until now, but I realise that Im Actually super dependent on people, I’m constantly around one person or another, constantly talking in some way or another, but then At home I think I’m more solitary, it’s easier to think about things when I’m at home, but everywhere else I tend to always be around someone, slightly strange or normal I’m not sure,

There’s quite a few things I’ve learned about myself recently, that I’m really clumsy when I always thought I was poised XD
That I thought I was in control of how I felt when to everyone else it’s pretty obvious how I’m feeling.
How I’m super immature and playful when I thought I was always serious
But then maybe I’m seeing two different sides to myself, the one other people see and the one I see, but then I’m Not so sure which is the real me, since I’m the type of person who tends to change how they act depending on the type of person they are with…
Me and my psych touched on this last week, ideas of identity etc,
I suppose it’s just something interesting to think about for now, sorry for the uninteresting post but hopefully next time I’ll have something much better to post about.

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Just how I’m feeling.

Since the fasting period has ended, things have been quite strange, it’s such a weird feeling going back to eating normally again after so long, it’s like I’m eating but I’m not eating. Eating because I have to but not because I want to like normal, I’ve gone so long without that routine that now going back to it feels even stranger than when I started without it. This all must sound so confusing, I’m trying to put it all into words, I feel like I’m failing but what Im trying to say, is that when you go so long without something you thought you needed you slowly ease yourself off it, so much so that when all of it comes back you feel both sides of you wanting and not wanting it, until you slowly bring yourself to rely on it entirely again, maybe starvation is like love, and love is like death, they’re all states of change and when you change back it’s just as strange as when you felt the first change to begin with. What was once normal isn’t anymore. Like things, people change too.
I guess this all sounds weird and kinda pointless, but I’m just in the thinking mood right now, so I thought I’d share my thoughts.

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Mindless waffle.

So I haven’t posted in a while, mainly because there hasn’t been anything to post about.
Hardly anything remotely exciting tends to happen to me but I realise I haven’t posted in a while so Im attempting to now.
Although my blog readership isn’t exactly spilling over but I guess I should humour myself anyway into thinking there might be someone who’s actually interested in reading my waffle. Right now I’m piling up on books, lots of books, so many books that I’m not sure where to start, I’ve taken out the Sherlock Holmes series from the library, a bunch of classics from a charity shop, and then one brand new, totally awesome book (the book thief by Marcus Zusak) that’ll be added to my highly esteemed collection. Not to mention my compulsory summer reading list of ‘much ado about nothing’ and ‘the importance of being earnest’ I’m not exactly a fan of Shakespeare primarily because I just can’t read books that have this emphasis on tragedy and romance, but I don’t mind looking into the classics on a take of “traditional” literature. And as this quote says…

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Enough of my ravings on books I have yet to read and now the honest truth of me being so lazy it’s shameful, although bit completely so as I have been working on this scrapbook for a bit which I will post as soon as it’s done, and this painting which I promise to post when that is also finished. Recently I’ve been working on this other scrapbook for school on 19th century France and England, which has been distracting. I’m trying to work on my photography but there’s not much I can take photos of apart from what’s in my room since I tend to spend a lot of time in there. My counsellor/psychiatrist seemed slightly ‘worried’ when she found out about the amount of time I spend in my room, but I don’t really think it’s something that should be found worrying, I like my room, I like the things in my room and I like that it is my room, and I don’t think it’s weird to spend a majority of my time in my room because being a teenager I’m sure I’m not the only one who does, but then I guess when I start to think of things like that then I also think of how someone should know when to stop using the excuse of being a teenager for everything that seems just the tad bit out of the norm. I haven’t seen my psychiatrist in a while, just because appointments never get around to being made, and I don’t think I really need to either, one thing she asks me to do at every meeting is to rate my mood out of ten, and though it seems like an easy question it’s actually quite difficult to do believe it or not. But I’ve learned a lot about myself through meetings and my own solitary confinement, that I’m not exactly a people person, it’s not that I’m not polite or that I’m too shy or whatever, it’s just that I’m not someone who moulds well with others, and I’m okay with that, I guess it’s just nice to think that maybe one day it won’t be seen as weird to be alone, but then again there seems to be a derogatory term for everything now.
Any who, I have been trying to motivate myself on working on my story although it hasn’t be going so well, then again I do still have time though not much. I now realise my post is very long so I’m going to leave it there, I doubt anyone will read this to the end, but thank you for taking a quick look at the title if nothing.

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Summer Plans.

Sorry everyone for my inactivity, I’ve been so tied down with studying, and the boredom of not having anything remotely exciting to do thus blog about.
Things have been relatively mundane lately. I’m so excited for the end of my exams though, I have so much planned for the summer. I am determined to make this summer the best of summers…

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I’ve always thought about summer as being the time of year where I’m stuck in this limbo of boredom, succumbed in my thoughts, but I want it to be different this time, and I guess when you really want something, then you make sure it happens. Which I’ll try to do.

But I do love summer so much because, not just because there’s no school, no priorities, no work, and there’s more sense of freedom. I like that, very much but also because it makes me think of nostalgic things.

When I think of summer, I think of ice cream,

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I think of the sea, all blue, and calm,

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The idea of making fresh home made jam,

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Receiving letters in the morning, savouring every word,

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baking fresh cakes in the afternoon

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And reading books as I lie in my sheets,

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This will be my summer, the perfect summer, for me , to be happy and to see things, and to do things. Things that will make me smile, give me hope, and give me memories.

This summer I will:

~ complete my story, to every lovely word, and every little finish, and people will know about it
~ make a new friend
~ listen to music all day, everyday
~ make a scrapbook filled with memories
~ go on an adventure, and film the whole occurrence
~ take photos of anything and everything
~ write letters; send postcards
~ drink frappuccinos all the time
~ ignore anyone who’s not worth my time
~ change my hair, change my look
~ paint all the time, just make a mess
~ do something worthwhile, simply dream.

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SUPER SWEET AWARD

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SO, a while ago I was nominated for this award by the lovely Bonbon but because of exams and having to study for them I haven’t had time to post this until now. As I am a nominee, I must answer 5 ‘super sweet questions’ and then nominate a bakers dozen’ bloggers, i.e. 13 very lucky people who must pass this on! so let the questions begin :3

1. Cookies or Cake?

They’re both delicious, I think I prefer cookies just ever so slightly because I’m always in the mood for a cookie, any kind of cookie, whenever, :3

2. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Definitely chocolate, chocolate always makes me feel better 🙂

3. Favourite Sweet Treat?

Hm…I love so many sweet things, but I’d have to say my favourite sweet treat would be hot sticky toffee pudding, because it’s all gooey, sticky and chocolatey which I LOVE :3

4. When do you crave sweet things the most?

24/7 I’m always in the mood for something sweet, but I do tend to eat a lot of sugary things in the evening, with a nice cup of warm milk :3

5. Sweet Nickname?

Oh my, does my blog pen name count as a nickname? If so, it’s ‘Marci Pann’ which is derived from marzipan, because I absolutely love marzipan!!! :3

So now onto the blogs I’ve nominated:

http://ediblesandtravels.wordpress.com/

http://whattheducks.com/

http://nanacathydotcom.wordpress.com/

http://thegreendragonfly.wordpress.com/

http://activeintuition.wordpress.com/

http://mydearbakes.wordpress.com/

http://serenityspell.com/

http://skiesdreamblue.wordpress.com/

http://happsters.com/

http://theyoungwritersjourney.wordpress.com/

http://thecreativepanic.com/

http://sugarandcloth.com/

http://thebookybunhead.wordpress.com/

After this article is published today, I will be messaging all above nominees on their ‘About’ or home pages. If you choose to accept a nomination, just have a peek at the rules below :3

The Rules:

Thank the Super Sweet Blogger that nominated you.
Answer five Super Sweet questions.
Include the Super Sweet Blogging Award image in your blog post.
Nominate a baker’s dozen (13) other bloggers.
Notify your nominees on their blog.

One of the best days ever!

Today, was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time, it was my last day of my year at main school, (year 11) so no more uniform, and a lot more freedom next year. As a school tradition we all sign each other’s school shirts to mark the end of our school uniform wearing days!
This is my school shirt:

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Lots of people wrote very nice comments, which I found very sweet to read!

We also had a leavers assembly where I was rewarded with a certificate for completing a first aid course and I was recognised for my work in maths, that also made me smile.

Also when I got home, I was elated to find a package addressed to me from my pen pal, since she lives in America, it takes a while for me to receive her letters but the wait was definitely worth it!

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She sent me not only a letter, but a really pretty American flag printed scarf, a bracelet, a pair of glasses, a pen, and a bundle of photos of lovely sights! I also spoke to my friend from Abu Dhabi and talking to her also made me very happy. It’s these little things which all add up to make a perfect day just like today c:

A nice day

Today I went to Thorpe park!!!

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It was a school treat, since year 11 is coming to a close and the teachers always plan a trip out to Thorpe park for the year 11s as a nice celebration. The weather was great. It was so sunny that it made the day perfect. Before we set out for Thorpe park we saw a video of photos of each and every one of us from our 5 years at our school compiled together by several students. It was such a sweet film because I suddenly felt so nostalgic about my growing up at school, I saw a picture of myself from year 7 and realised how much in fact I’ve grown up and how different I am to how I was then. My years at secondary school have gone by so fast and though that makes me nervous it also makes me hopeful for the future.

These are the roller coasters I went on…

saw -the ride

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the swarm

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colusses

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rush

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vortex

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X

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tidal wave

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it was a great day, and I just thought it was awesome c:

HELP!

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Things haven’t been going so well recently, I’ve been in a dark place for so long now and it’s been getting worse. I don’t feel good at school anymore, I’m so scared to even go, everyday I feel like staying home locked in my room away from everyone and everything. I’ve been trying so hard to make friends at school, I really have. I’ve been nice and friendly, I’ve tried to sit with people at lunch and make conversation but I know they can only be polite to a certain extent before they start wanting me to leave, and it hurts. I feel so alone and isolated from everyone. I go to school, I try to focus in class, and during lunch I eat my lunch by myself and then read a book alone and that’s how it is everyday for me now. It’s strange how you can go from having really good friends to having none at all, but then I guess I never really had good friends after all they were just acquaintances or false friends. I cry when I get home, I get frustrated that I can’t seem to do anything about it and I’m trapped. I always feel empty and sad, when I laugh it’s fake, when I smile it’s forced, and people don’t understand. I know people out there have it a lot worse but I can’t seem to control how I feel anymore, no matter how much I try I can’t seem to be happy.
It got really bad on the weekend, I just collapsed and cried for ages, and I was scared, I hit really low. My mum being worried, told the school about all of this, I was initially worried about that but the teacher was supportive so I feel a bit more hopeful now. She listened to me, and said she understood and gave me some advice so that was very helpful.

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I also went to see a doctor yesterday, she listened to how I felt and said that I am most likely
depressed I may have moderate/severe depression. It kind of worries me, but I also feel a bit better knowing that I may have a mental illness, because I feel like I’m beginning to understand why I feel the way I do. I’m being referred to a counsellor, I hope I get someone nice, there may be a waiting list but both the school and doctor have sent an urgent message so hopefully I’ll get a placement soon. Also today, a friend of the family came over, he’s a very nice man and he listened to how I felt and told me to be brave and ignore everything horrible other people say because it’s all petty and insignificant. He said he would help me, and pray for me, I feel better to know someone cares. I should stay true to myself is the best thing to do he said. So that’s what I’ll do.

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Thoughts

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I hear them whisper,
When they don’t see.
The sounds get Lounder,
Until I breathe.
My lips go dry
And my eyes go blind.
Their steps come quicker
My fears grow thicker
I smile through it
My tears flow away
But when I come home
The prickling pain stays
And when I’m alone
All alone,
I search up ways
For a death will escape
But my fear gets louder
And then I stop
But I can’t stop now
Cos the pain just drops.
I see them by the post.
They cry and they shiver
When they barely even knew me
But Yet I watch and I see.

~m.p

School..

I went back to school this week after the Easter break and I started off pretty positive about it but gradually through the week my optimism kinda drifted. Ever since I lost whom I thought was my closest friend I’ve been feeling really alone at school now, during lesson time everything’s fine but at lunch I’m not sure where to go or who to talk to anymore. I have friends but I don’t have any close friends I can talk to and constantly hang out with every lunch time because I can tell they don’t really want me there, they’d rather be with their own group of friends. So, since being around friends is just making me feel more upset and lonely since I don’t have any real friends anymore atleast not in school, I think I’m just going to spend time alone during lunch now and maybe read a book in the library, or do some extra revision since my exams are looming.
I guess I’m just typing this all because I feel like I need to get it all out, and I’d really appreciate any advice you guys could give, I just want to be able to feel more optimistic about school, and have the strength to not worry about what other people think if I spend my lunch times alone.
Also if you have any good book recommendations for me I’d be so grateful, I haven’t read a book in a while and I think reading one during lunchtimes will help speed up time c:

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how lost I feel